Week 2 - The Bag Of Grief

Week 2 – The Bag Of Grief

Jesus Wept. John 11:35

Jesus wept.  The shortest verse in the English Bible.  Jesus wept because his good friend Lazarus, who was Mary and Martha’s brother, passed away and his Sisters were very sad and grieving.  Jesus felt compassion for their loss and in His humanity, He cried.  He did not cry over the actual death of Lazarus because He knew Lazarus would be spending eternity with Him in Heaven, He cried out of human compassion for the ones who were so hurt by the loss of their loved one.  It seems only appropriate that I write about the Bag Of Grief as our family has experienced great loss in the last 2 years, most recently being last week. 

Grief comes in many different stages, forms etc.  We can grieve over a situation, a life that turned out differently than we had planned, or we can find ourselves grieving the loss of a loved one we held very dear to our hearts.  Each situation has a place for a different type of grief.  We all grieve in our own way.

My Father passed away December 9^th, 2016 and I remember the day as if it were yesterday.  My Daddy had been in the hospital off and on for quite some time, he was a very sick man and on this particular day, he was feeling somewhat better.  He had been in the hospital this time around for about 2 weeks or so and they were running every test they could to “check things off the list” and the last test needed was a colonoscopy that was to be done later that day.  I had not been to the hospital in a few days and this particular day I was out showing property in a very rural area with spotty cell phone service.  I remember I had spoken to my mother that morning and she informed me of the timeline that was to take place, I had told her to “keep me posted”.. Around 6 or so that evening I was walking an acreage property an hour away from the hospital with my clients when my nephew had the painful task of calling me to let me know my Father had just passed and I needed to get to the hospital fast.    

In those painful moments, leaving the property, loosing cell phone reception and driving as fast as I could to get to Greg who could drive me to the hospital, I just remember thinking and repeating “Be strong, you have to remain strong for everyone, everyone around you needs you to be there for them, do not break.. whatever you do.. do.. not.. break”.

I am going to be very real and raw with you right now and some may judge and call me “cold hearted” “lacking compassion and sympathy” among other things and that’s OK.. this is my story of “grief” not yours.  When my nephew called, I tried as hard as I could to force my tears to come, in the days that followed.. I tried to cry because that is what I was supposed to do.. At the funeral home picking out the casket, arranging the service, watching my mother weep.. I could not produce one single tear.  At the funeral, I sat in complete silence watching my children, my mom, my family.. Making sure I was being the strong one I thought I should be.  Sitting on the front row as guests made their way to the front to hug us and offer us words of encouragement, all I could think about was where the exit was and how fast I could get there.  I did not want people telling me it was going to be OK.. that my daddy was “in a better place..”  To me in those moments, the “better place” would have been right there, sitting next to me.. not lying in a casket. 

My way of grieving was to bottle it up, put the lid on it and tuck it away until I had nothing else going on and no one was around to see me weak, THEN I could pull it out a little at a time and allow myself to “feel” the pain in small doses.  In the meantime, I acted as if my Father was on vacation.

I realized that by trying to be strong for everyone else and “get over it” I was actually harming myself and those closest to me.  I became full of anger and guilt.. Angry and Guilty because I had not taken the time to go see my Daddy before he was taken from me. You see, my way of "dealing" with things was to act as if they did not exist and in all honesty.. I thought my Daddy would be coming home to us.   

Each one of us are created in our own unique way with our own characteristics, strengths, weakness’s etc.  We all handle things differently than others and differently in each situation we face.  When I face certain things, I immediately go in to survival mode and lie aside all of my personal feelings of a situation in order to make it through that situation and be strong for those around me.  What I have learned is in order to GET through it.. I must GO through it… Meaning we must allow ourselves to feel the pain of the loss, to allow ourselves to cry, to be weak, to be angry, to ask why..  and Yes.. I have found myself mad at God at times.    

One particular evening I was having a very tough time with life.. I was driving down the highway just crying.. I remember pulling into the cemetery and parking beside my Daddy's grave and just sitting in my car crying.  This was the first time I had been there since the funeral months back.  I just sat in my car talking to God and asking Him to help me forgive myself for not mourning my Daddy, for not being there in the days that led up to his death and to help me release the guilt and anger I was holding onto.  I told my Daddy I was sorry, that I loved him and that I had finally accepted the fact that he was actually gone and not on vacation.

They say there are five common stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression then finally.. acceptance.  The last one is the hardest for most of us to come to.  I have accepted the fact that my Daddy is not on this earth anymore (does not mean I like it nor am I happy about it) but I also know that I will see my Daddy again.  In order to properly grieve and heal from the loss, I must allow myself to feel the pain of the loss and allow God to help me through the process of healing and to heal me from the inside out.

Undealt with grief can cause bitterness, depression, anger, guilt and other things to settle in our hearts, take root and grow out of control consuming our lives.  It not only affects us but all of those around us. We often find ourselves asking how a loving, merciful God would allow our loved ones to be taken from us and leave our hearts broken beyond repair, I can assure you He doesn’t allow it because He is mad at us, trying to get even with us or trying to teach us a lesson.. He allows it because that is a part of our life here on earth.. a time to live and a time to die. I like to think He grieves with us.. He grieves for us..

John 11:35 Jesus wept

John 14:2-4 “In My Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you.  I go to prepare a place for you, and if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also and you know the way to where I am going”

These verses bring comfort to me.. knowing that My Heavenly Father has compassion for each one of us as we grieve the painful loss of a loved one, knowing that He loved them first, He created them in His own image, and He has prepared a place for all of those who believe in Him and that if I hold true to my belief in Him just as my Daddy did.. I will be with my Daddy again. 

Personal Evaluation:

1.  What loss have you experienced that you are struggling to come to terms with?

2.  Have you allowed yourself to grieve and if not, why?

3.  How has this grief affected your life and relationships?

4.  What steps can you take to work through this grief?

5.  Find 3 Scriptures that reference grieving in the Bible and apply them to your own life.