You Can Get Bitter Or You Can Get Better.. The Choice Is Yours..

 This is gonna be a long one… real, raw, honest truth bomb

Laura Bradley, Certified Life Coach & Mentor

December 26th, 2022 I decided it was time I quit making excuses, get out of my own head, quit being my own worst enemy, make the changes I knew I needed to make and practice what I preach. For years I have talked to people about this very thing and mentored them into "changing their mindset to change their life" but I could not muster up enough strength to actually do that for myself.

The last 2 years have been some of the hardest of my entire life, with last year (2022) being the worst. I allowed circumstances, other people's actions and my own insecurities & actions to turn me into someone I had never been before and someone I absolutely despised. Raw honest truth right here, I allowed myself to seek "comfort" in alcohol... A LOT of alcohol. Now don't get me wrong, I used to drink socially, on the weekends or at special events and had no issue with alcohol. It wasn't until I started spiraling with my mental health that I allowed the alcohol to start taking control of me. I was to the point that I was drinking a LOT every single day..

When I had heart surgery in March, it set off what I call a mini (seemed huge to me) "mental breakdown". I had been so healthy for so long then had a second stroke in December of 2021 followed by a third a week before my heart surgery in March of 2022. These series of events followed by the trauma I was experiencing in my family and personal life sent my body into a tailspin which brought on non stop anxiety and panic attacks.. I had never experienced panic attacks before or the severe anxiety I immediately started having. Every time I had a good day, the next day would be worse and the cycle continued until I found a Psychiatrist to prescribe me the right medication and a Therapist to help guide me through my seasons of anxiety.

I eventually was able to get to the point where I could wean myself off the medication and my doctor checked my labs which showed my hormones were way out of whack.. I started hormone therapy and immediately started feeling better... Until more family and life "drama" started happening again. I then started seeking a way to "clear my mind" and turned to alcohol... I am not proud of my decision by no means but this is my story and my raw truth. The alcohol then caused my anxiety to come back then as the vicious cycle goes, I would drink more to "get rid" of the anxiety.. It was a vicious cycle and I was on a hamster wheel going nowhere.. I was so far away from God and my relationship with Him was almost non existent. My anxiety and panic attacks were back and there was no stopping them.

But Then God... I started slowly speaking to Him again, I started asking Him to help me, help me break the grip anxiety, panic and alcohol had on me. I firmly believe God allowed me to experience all of this, to draw me back to Him.. So His glory could be shown through my experiences and story. Once I started speaking to and seeking Him again, I would get anxiety every time I took a sip of alcohol, then it started tasting bad and I started realizing God was breaking that chain for me.

For so long I could not go one day without "getting a buzz".. I am now on almost a month and still going. I am now able to see things differently again. I started working out everyday again, practicing Yoga, meditating and practicing mindfulness. Instead of scrolling through facebook, I now read self help books, scripture and talk to God. I was able to have a drink with friends the other night and not have the urge to drink more. Life feels so different for me now, this will sound crazy to some but even the smell of the outdoors smells different..

I am so thankful that God never leaves our side, even when sometimes He has every right to do so. I am so thankful for the last 2 years because without those hard times, I would not be where I am today.. I MADE IT.. And so can YOU.

Week 2 - The Bag Of Grief

Week 2 – The Bag Of Grief

Jesus Wept. John 11:35

Jesus wept.  The shortest verse in the English Bible.  Jesus wept because his good friend Lazarus, who was Mary and Martha’s brother, passed away and his Sisters were very sad and grieving.  Jesus felt compassion for their loss and in His humanity, He cried.  He did not cry over the actual death of Lazarus because He knew Lazarus would be spending eternity with Him in Heaven, He cried out of human compassion for the ones who were so hurt by the loss of their loved one.  It seems only appropriate that I write about the Bag Of Grief as our family has experienced great loss in the last 2 years, most recently being last week. 

Grief comes in many different stages, forms etc.  We can grieve over a situation, a life that turned out differently than we had planned, or we can find ourselves grieving the loss of a loved one we held very dear to our hearts.  Each situation has a place for a different type of grief.  We all grieve in our own way.

My Father passed away December 9^th, 2016 and I remember the day as if it were yesterday.  My Daddy had been in the hospital off and on for quite some time, he was a very sick man and on this particular day, he was feeling somewhat better.  He had been in the hospital this time around for about 2 weeks or so and they were running every test they could to “check things off the list” and the last test needed was a colonoscopy that was to be done later that day.  I had not been to the hospital in a few days and this particular day I was out showing property in a very rural area with spotty cell phone service.  I remember I had spoken to my mother that morning and she informed me of the timeline that was to take place, I had told her to “keep me posted”.. Around 6 or so that evening I was walking an acreage property an hour away from the hospital with my clients when my nephew had the painful task of calling me to let me know my Father had just passed and I needed to get to the hospital fast.    

In those painful moments, leaving the property, loosing cell phone reception and driving as fast as I could to get to Greg who could drive me to the hospital, I just remember thinking and repeating “Be strong, you have to remain strong for everyone, everyone around you needs you to be there for them, do not break.. whatever you do.. do.. not.. break”.

I am going to be very real and raw with you right now and some may judge and call me “cold hearted” “lacking compassion and sympathy” among other things and that’s OK.. this is my story of “grief” not yours.  When my nephew called, I tried as hard as I could to force my tears to come, in the days that followed.. I tried to cry because that is what I was supposed to do.. At the funeral home picking out the casket, arranging the service, watching my mother weep.. I could not produce one single tear.  At the funeral, I sat in complete silence watching my children, my mom, my family.. Making sure I was being the strong one I thought I should be.  Sitting on the front row as guests made their way to the front to hug us and offer us words of encouragement, all I could think about was where the exit was and how fast I could get there.  I did not want people telling me it was going to be OK.. that my daddy was “in a better place..”  To me in those moments, the “better place” would have been right there, sitting next to me.. not lying in a casket. 

My way of grieving was to bottle it up, put the lid on it and tuck it away until I had nothing else going on and no one was around to see me weak, THEN I could pull it out a little at a time and allow myself to “feel” the pain in small doses.  In the meantime, I acted as if my Father was on vacation.

I realized that by trying to be strong for everyone else and “get over it” I was actually harming myself and those closest to me.  I became full of anger and guilt.. Angry and Guilty because I had not taken the time to go see my Daddy before he was taken from me. You see, my way of "dealing" with things was to act as if they did not exist and in all honesty.. I thought my Daddy would be coming home to us.   

Each one of us are created in our own unique way with our own characteristics, strengths, weakness’s etc.  We all handle things differently than others and differently in each situation we face.  When I face certain things, I immediately go in to survival mode and lie aside all of my personal feelings of a situation in order to make it through that situation and be strong for those around me.  What I have learned is in order to GET through it.. I must GO through it… Meaning we must allow ourselves to feel the pain of the loss, to allow ourselves to cry, to be weak, to be angry, to ask why..  and Yes.. I have found myself mad at God at times.    

One particular evening I was having a very tough time with life.. I was driving down the highway just crying.. I remember pulling into the cemetery and parking beside my Daddy's grave and just sitting in my car crying.  This was the first time I had been there since the funeral months back.  I just sat in my car talking to God and asking Him to help me forgive myself for not mourning my Daddy, for not being there in the days that led up to his death and to help me release the guilt and anger I was holding onto.  I told my Daddy I was sorry, that I loved him and that I had finally accepted the fact that he was actually gone and not on vacation.

They say there are five common stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression then finally.. acceptance.  The last one is the hardest for most of us to come to.  I have accepted the fact that my Daddy is not on this earth anymore (does not mean I like it nor am I happy about it) but I also know that I will see my Daddy again.  In order to properly grieve and heal from the loss, I must allow myself to feel the pain of the loss and allow God to help me through the process of healing and to heal me from the inside out.

Undealt with grief can cause bitterness, depression, anger, guilt and other things to settle in our hearts, take root and grow out of control consuming our lives.  It not only affects us but all of those around us. We often find ourselves asking how a loving, merciful God would allow our loved ones to be taken from us and leave our hearts broken beyond repair, I can assure you He doesn’t allow it because He is mad at us, trying to get even with us or trying to teach us a lesson.. He allows it because that is a part of our life here on earth.. a time to live and a time to die. I like to think He grieves with us.. He grieves for us..

John 11:35 Jesus wept

John 14:2-4 “In My Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you.  I go to prepare a place for you, and if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also and you know the way to where I am going”

These verses bring comfort to me.. knowing that My Heavenly Father has compassion for each one of us as we grieve the painful loss of a loved one, knowing that He loved them first, He created them in His own image, and He has prepared a place for all of those who believe in Him and that if I hold true to my belief in Him just as my Daddy did.. I will be with my Daddy again. 

Personal Evaluation:

1.  What loss have you experienced that you are struggling to come to terms with?

2.  Have you allowed yourself to grieve and if not, why?

3.  How has this grief affected your life and relationships?

4.  What steps can you take to work through this grief?

5.  Find 3 Scriptures that reference grieving in the Bible and apply them to your own life.

Week 1 - What Baggage Are You Carrying?

“And Blessed is the one who is not offended by Me”  Matthew 11:6

When I go on trips, even a short weekend get away with my husband Greg, I pack like I am never returning home and we are headed to a deserted island with no stores.  I pack at least 6 bags.. For a 2-day trip! One bag for my actual clothing which contains at least 3 different outfits to choose from for EACH day, one bag is strictly for my shoes because lets be honest here.. the shoes make the outfit! One bag for my make up because Lord knows no one wants to see this face without makeup, one bag for my bathroom necessities and toiletries, one bag for my accessories like belts, jewelry etc. and one bag for my laptop because all my “vacations” are working vacations. I envy you ladies who only need to carry one bag!  Greg can literally pack one bag containing his clothing, shoes, toiletries etc in 15 minutes when it takes me a good 2 days. His reasoning is “I don’t like hauling all these heavy bags around everywhere we go!”  

The other “bags” or Offenses I carry on my trips, around the house, to bed and pretty much anywhere I go aren’t physically seen but they still carry a lot of weight.  I load myself up with bags full of hurts, resentments, rejections, fears, unforgiveness, anxiety.. you name it and I probably have it shoved in a bag and am currently carrying it over my shoulder or on my back like a pack mule and will duke it out with anyone who tries to take it from me!  

As a female we tend to feel like we are to carry everyone else’s problems and be the “fixer” of all.. but what about OUR problems? Who fixes those? If you’re like me, no one does, you continue to carry those Offenses with you allowing them to be stumbling blocks and you keep filling your fake Louis up as you go until you have to grab a suitcase and start filling it up because Lord knows we don’t have time to work on ourselves and let those issues go.  We would rather beat ourselves up and break our backs carrying all our baggage than unloading and going through them a few at a time.  Its like when I go grocery shopping and I come home with a car load full of groceries, I will literally weigh myself down with every single bag, toilet paper under one arm, paper towels under the other and wobble into the house dropping to the floor from all the weight than make two trips to my car.  Kind of silly huh?

I am pretty good about picking up extra bags everywhere I go.  It’s like I have a “baggage radar” always on alert for a new bag to pick up.  Now don’t get me wrong, I am a purse-a-holic and I love a good designer bag, especially when its on sale! I can find new bags at work, the grocery store, my favorite restaurant, social media and even at Church.. Yep.. I went there.  Don’t act like you’re all holy roller and you don’t get hurt or offended at Church.  Church people can be mean! Can I get an Amen? Guess what.. They are human, just like you and I.

Can I be real with you for a minute? Hopefully you just said yes because you’re still reading this.  I am no expert, I don’t have a college degree, I am not a licensed physician nor have I ever wrote a book before, I am literally just a normal everyday woman who has lived a life full of hurts, crippling anxiety, grief, unforgiveness and bouts of depression.  I have packed and picked up lots of baggage along the way, some I have unloaded only to reload and some I never unpacked but I can tell you one thing for sure, God is still working on me and each day the load gets a little lighter.

I decided to take a journey.. a journey to figure out why I feel the need to pick up all of this excess baggage. My hope is that you will follow along on this journey and maybe find that you are carrying some of the same baggage and that together, we can find a way to unpack our bags for good.

I am beginning to think Greg was on to something when he said “I don’t like hauling all these heavy bags around everywhere we go!”  Maybe, just maybe.. I can learn something from him..

Personal Evaluation:

1.  What baggage or offenses have you picked up and not put back down?

2.  How long have you carried this baggage?

3. What is keeping you from putting it down for good?

4. How has this extra baggage affected your life?

5. Think about what it would feel like to finally be free from this baggage, how would you feel?