This is gonna be a long one… real, raw, honest truth bomb
December 26th, 2022 I decided it was time I quit making excuses, get out of my own head, quit being my own worst enemy, make the changes I knew I needed to make and practice what I preach. For years I have talked to people about this very thing and mentored them into "changing their mindset to change their life" but I could not muster up enough strength to actually do that for myself.
The last 2 years have been some of
the hardest of my entire life, with last year (2022) being the worst. I allowed circumstances, other people's actions and my own insecurities & actions to turn me into someone I had never been before and someone I absolutely despised. Raw honest truth right here, I allowed myself to seek "comfort" in alcohol... A LOT of alcohol. Now don't get me wrong, I used to drink socially, on the weekends or at special events and had no issue with alcohol. It wasn't until I started spiraling with my mental health that I allowed the alcohol to start taking control of me. I was to the point that I was drinking a LOT every single day..
When I had heart surgery in March, it set off what I call a mini (seemed huge to me) "mental breakdown". I had been so healthy for so long then had a second stroke in December of 2021 followed by a third a week before my heart surgery in March of 2022. These series of events followed by the trauma I was experiencing in my family and personal life sent my body into a tailspin which brought on non stop anxiety and panic attacks.. I had never experienced panic attacks before or the severe anxiety I immediately started having. Every time I had a good day, the next day would be worse and the cycle continued until I found a Psychiatrist to prescribe me the right medication and a Therapist to help guide me through my seasons of anxiety.
I eventually was able to get to the point where I could wean myself off the medication and my doctor checked my labs which showed my hormones were way out of whack.. I started hormone therapy and immediately started feeling better... Until more family and life "drama" started happening again. I then started seeking a way to "clear my mind" and turned to alcohol... I am not proud of my decision by no means but this is my story and my raw truth. The alcohol then caused my anxiety to come back then as the vicious cycle goes, I would drink more to "get rid" of the anxiety.. It was a vicious cycle and I was on a hamster wheel going nowhere.. I was so far away from God and my relationship with Him was almost non existent. My anxiety and panic attacks were back and there was no stopping them.
But Then God... I started slowly speaking to Him again, I started asking Him to help me, help me break the grip anxiety, panic and alcohol had on me. I firmly believe God allowed me to experience all of this, to draw me back to Him.. So His glory could be shown through my experiences and story. Once I started speaking to and seeking Him again, I would get anxiety every time I took a sip of alcohol, then it started tasting bad and I started realizing God was breaking that chain for me.
For so long I could not go one day without "getting a buzz".. I am now on almost a month and still going. I am now able to see things differently again. I started working out everyday again, practicing Yoga, meditating and practicing mindfulness. Instead of scrolling through facebook, I now read self help books, scripture and talk to God. I was able to have a drink with friends the other night and not have the urge to drink more. Life feels so different for me now, this will sound crazy to some but even the smell of the outdoors smells different..
I am so thankful that God never leaves our side, even when sometimes He has every right to do so. I am so thankful for the last 2 years because without those hard times, I would not be where I am today.. I MADE IT.. And so can YOU.
