Week 2 – The Bag Of Grief
Jesus Wept. John
11:35
Jesus wept. The shortest
verse in the English Bible. Jesus wept
because his good friend Lazarus, who was Mary and Martha’s brother, passed away
and his Sisters were very sad and grieving.
Jesus felt compassion for their loss and in His humanity, He cried. He did not cry over the actual death of
Lazarus because He knew Lazarus would be spending eternity with Him in Heaven,
He cried out of human compassion for the ones who were so hurt by the loss of
their loved one. It seems only
appropriate that I write about the Bag Of Grief as our family has experienced great
loss in the last 2 years, most recently being last week.
Grief comes in many different stages, forms etc. We can grieve over a situation, a life that
turned out differently than we had planned, or we can find ourselves grieving
the loss of a loved one we held very dear to our hearts. Each situation has a place for a different
type of grief. We all grieve in our own
way.
My Father passed away December 9th, 2016 and I remember
the day as if it were yesterday. My Daddy
had been in the hospital off and on for quite some time, he was a very sick man
and on this particular day, he was feeling somewhat better. He had been in the hospital this time around
for about 2 weeks or so and they were running every test they could to “check
things off the list” and the last test needed was a colonoscopy that was to be
done later that day. I had not been to
the hospital in a few days and this particular day I was out showing property
in a very rural area with spotty cell phone service. I remember I had spoken to my mother that
morning and she informed me of the timeline that was to take place, I had told
her to “keep me posted”.. Around 6 or so that evening I was walking an acreage
property an hour away from the hospital with my clients when my nephew had the
painful task of calling me to let me know my Father had just passed and I needed
to get to the hospital fast.
In those painful moments, leaving the property, loosing cell
phone reception and driving as fast as I could to get to Greg who could drive
me to the hospital, I just remember thinking and repeating “Be strong, you have
to remain strong for everyone, everyone around you needs you to be there for
them, do not break.. whatever you do.. do.. not.. break”.
I am going to be very real and raw with you right now and some
may judge and call me “cold hearted” “lacking compassion and sympathy” among
other things and that’s OK.. this is my story of “grief” not yours. When my nephew called, I tried as hard as I could
to force my tears to come, in the days that followed.. I tried to cry because
that is what I was supposed to do.. At the funeral home picking out the casket,
arranging the service, watching my mother weep.. I could not produce one single
tear. At the funeral, I sat in complete
silence watching my children, my mom, my family.. Making sure I was being the
strong one I thought I should be. Sitting
on the front row as guests made their way to the front to hug us and offer us
words of encouragement, all I could think about was where the exit was and how
fast I could get there. I did not want
people telling me it was going to be OK.. that my daddy was “in a better place..” To me in those moments, the “better place” would
have been right there, sitting next to me.. not lying in a casket.
My way of grieving was to bottle it up, put the lid on it
and tuck it away until I had nothing else going on and no one was around to see
me weak, THEN I could pull it out a little at a time and allow myself to “feel”
the pain in small doses. In the meantime,
I acted as if my Father was on vacation.
I realized that by trying to be strong for everyone else and “get over it” I was actually harming myself and those closest to me. I became full of anger and guilt.. Angry and Guilty because I had not taken the time to go see my Daddy before he was taken from me. You see, my way of "dealing" with things was to act as if they did not exist and in all honesty.. I thought my Daddy would be coming home to us.
Each one of us are created in our own unique way with our
own characteristics, strengths, weakness’s etc.
We all handle things differently than others and differently in each situation
we face. When I face certain things, I immediately
go in to survival mode and lie aside all of my personal feelings of a situation
in order to make it through that situation and be strong for those around me. What I have learned is in order to GET
through it.. I must GO through it… Meaning we must allow ourselves to feel the
pain of the loss, to allow ourselves to cry, to be weak, to be angry, to ask
why.. and Yes.. I have found myself mad
at God at times.
One particular evening I was having a very tough time with life.. I was driving down the highway just crying.. I remember pulling into the cemetery and parking beside my Daddy's grave and just sitting in my car crying. This was the first time I had been there since the funeral months back. I just sat in my car talking to God and asking Him to help me forgive myself for not mourning my Daddy, for not being there in the days that led up to his death and to help me release the guilt and anger I was holding onto. I told my Daddy I was sorry, that I loved him and that I had finally accepted the fact that he was actually gone and not on vacation.
One particular evening I was having a very tough time with life.. I was driving down the highway just crying.. I remember pulling into the cemetery and parking beside my Daddy's grave and just sitting in my car crying. This was the first time I had been there since the funeral months back. I just sat in my car talking to God and asking Him to help me forgive myself for not mourning my Daddy, for not being there in the days that led up to his death and to help me release the guilt and anger I was holding onto. I told my Daddy I was sorry, that I loved him and that I had finally accepted the fact that he was actually gone and not on vacation.
They say there are five common stages of grief: denial,
anger, bargaining, depression then finally.. acceptance. The last one is the hardest for most of us to
come to. I have accepted the fact that
my Daddy is not on this earth anymore (does not mean I like it nor am I happy
about it) but I also know that I will see my Daddy again. In order to properly grieve and heal from the
loss, I must allow myself to feel the pain of the loss and allow God to help me
through the process of healing and to heal me from the inside out.
Undealt with grief can cause bitterness, depression, anger,
guilt and other things to settle in our hearts, take root and grow out of
control consuming our lives. It not only
affects us but all of those around us. We often find ourselves asking how a loving,
merciful God would allow our loved ones to be taken from us and leave our
hearts broken beyond repair, I can assure you He doesn’t allow it because He is
mad at us, trying to get even with us or trying to teach us a lesson.. He
allows it because that is a part of our life here on earth.. a time to live and
a time to die. I like to think He grieves with us.. He grieves for us..
John 11:35 Jesus wept
John 14:2-4 “In My Father’s house are many mansions: if it
were not so, I would have told you. I go
to prepare a place for you, and if I go and prepare a place for you, I will
come again and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also
and you know the way to where I am going”
These verses bring comfort to me.. knowing that My Heavenly
Father has compassion for each one of us as we grieve the painful loss of a
loved one, knowing that He loved them first, He created them in His own image,
and He has prepared a place for all of those who believe in Him and that if I
hold true to my belief in Him just as my Daddy did.. I will be with my Daddy
again.
Personal Evaluation:
1. What loss have you
experienced that you are struggling to come to terms with?
2. Have you allowed
yourself to grieve and if not, why?
3. How has this grief
affected your life and relationships?
4. What steps can you
take to work through this grief?
5. Find 3 Scriptures
that reference grieving in the Bible and apply them to your own life.
